As a behavioral consultant, the most frequent question I receive is, “What are the best strategies for de-escalation?” While there are various techniques to try with students, the key to successful de-escalation lies in understanding the brain’s role in behavior.

The Connection Between the Brain and Behavior

When we observe a student’s behavior, we often focus on responding directly to it, yet we neglect the fact that the brain drives those actions. Behavior doesn’t just happen—it is shaped by neurological processes.

How the Brain Shapes Crisis Behavior

During moments of crisis or heightened emotion, students rely on the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses to perceived threats. This is where we often encounter challenging behaviors. At the same time, we expect students to engage their prefrontal cortex to regulate these responses. However, as Lori Desautels highlights in Connections Over Compliance, research shows that when students are dysregulated, their prefrontal cortex is essentially offline. This area of the brain governs decision-making, logic, understanding consequences, and shifting behaviors in response to social situations. In crisis, these functions are impaired, making it impossible for students to process logic and consequences effectively.

Thus, to de-escalate effectively, we must connect with students emotionally, addressing the amygdala’s response. By utilizing strategies that focus on emotional connection, we can foster a calm, regulated state conducive to de-escalation.

The Role of Predictability in Creating Calm

De-escalation isn’t just about calming the student—it also requires maintaining our own emotional regulation. Our ability to stay calm serves as a model for students, providing the stability they need to feel safe. A dysregulated adult cannot help regulate a dysregulated child. Predictability in our actions and emotional responses can help us maintain calm. By remaining consistent, we make our reactions more predictable, which in turn fosters a sense of safety for the student.

The CALM strategy (Connect, Affirm, Listen, My Plan) provides a helpful framework for educators to manage challenging behaviors. This strategy involves predictable steps that guide both the student and the educator through the regulation process.

C: Connect

When confronted with challenging behavior, we must first remind ourselves that the amygdala is driving this response. Before addressing the behavior, we need to establish an emotional connection with the student. This connection reassures the brain that we are a safe ally in their de-escalation process. We can engage in simple gestures like commenting on an interest the student has or acknowledging positive behaviors, always using an empathetic tone to signal that we are here to help.

A: Affirm

Often, what is perceived as negative behavior is a cry for help, a student’s attempt to communicate overwhelming emotions. By affirming their feelings, we demonstrate to the student that their emotions are valid. Affirming statements, such as, “I understand why you’re upset, and I’d feel the same way,” help the student feel heard and understood, which is essential in calming the amygdala’s response.

L: Listen

Listening might be the most difficult aspect of de-escalation, especially when students’ behavior becomes more intense. At this stage, our response must be to quiet ourselves and listen attentively. Asking open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” or “What happened in that moment?” helps create a safe space for the student to express themselves. Listening actively, rather than reacting, encourages the student to calm down.

M: My Plan

As the student begins to regain access to their prefrontal cortex, they may be ready to engage in reflective thinking. This is the time to introduce the idea of planning for future situations. Reflection is crucial for behavioral change and helps students create new, more adaptive strategies. Questions such as, “What could we do differently next time?” or “What support do you need when you’re feeling upset?” encourage the student to think about solutions and develop coping strategies for the future.

This stage of reflection supports the development of predictable coping strategies for future crises. It may involve discussing what behaviors the student expects from the adult in these moments or what their self-regulation routine might look like.

Supporting the Brain, Not Just the Behavior

Ultimately, we need to view de-escalation not as a task to change the behavior but as a process of supporting the student’s brain in returning to a regulated state. By focusing on co-regulation, we can move from seeing behavior as something we need to fix to something we can manage together.

When a student is in crisis, the goal is not just to stop the behavior but to understand the brain’s role in it. By engaging in the CALM strategy, educators can provide the emotional support students need, while also helping them develop the tools to regulate themselves in the future.